I remember these moments.

The water dances up and down my toes in a slow waltz,
in,
out,
in,
out.
What if life were so simple? Just the two directions?

If I stand here long enough my feet will be buried underneath the sand. I suppose life is like that. Stand stagnant long enough and you won't be able to move. I guess that's what happened to me.

It's the quiet moments like this that my mind always goes back to the same few moments. The same memories come to the front of my mind.

It's not like in the movies, where the flashbacks are like little movies playing. I just remember the feelings, and the little moments. I remember my legs shaking so violently and I didn't know whether it was because I was cold or scared, because all the feelings were so overwhelming I didn't have names for them. I remember the silent tears rolling off my cheeks for a seemingly infinite amount of time, and wondering how on Earth it was possible that there were any tears left.

I remember staring at the scrunched up tissue in my hand for so long that my imagination turned it into a little man.

I remember imagining what it would be like if I carried around a little button which I could press and make it all go away.

I remember struggling to keep my eyes open to say how sorry I was, but the apology meant absolutely nothing.


I appreciate the quiet moments but I miss being able to live them in the present. I feel as though I can no longer appreciate them because my mind is too busy trying to relive the past. I miss the numbness, I miss the stillness that it gave my mind. And I think that it's wrong to miss that. But perhaps I can find that calm somewhere else.